for whom is reserved the blackness of darkness forever. (Jude 1:12-13)

When did this happen?

When did the majority of the people I know get married and/or have children? When did everyone suddenly find their other half and spawn genetic replicas of each other? Sweet Jesus.

Facebook is depressing now. What used to be a great place to reconnect, play games, and stalk has now become an image gallery of lovers and infants. It seems that every profile picture I come across is either (1) the happy couple and/or (2) a sonogram or an infant. WTF?

Sorry about that “WTF,” but, in times such as these, I felt it was necessary.

I really shouldn’t complain. Being “a lone wolf” (that sounds so ridiculous) has its perks: I can travel whenever I want without worrying about financial obligations to a family or about who I’m leaving behind; I went to school twice without worry about school money making my family poor or about neglecting anyone; and I can play video games, visit friends, watch movies, and do other frivolous things without neglecting my children. Also, I can write my damn book (if I ever get out of this writer’s block funk).

So what’s the problem?

Well, I’d like to think that the reason behind this post was that I just saw a Facebook profile picture of a sonogram, the man’s second child, but the true catalyst was the dream I had last night. I was trying on a wedding dress. For my wedding. I don’t know who the lucky man was, but I remember someone zipping me up in the back and turning around to see the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen fit me like a glove. I was beautiful.

I’m not a huge fan of weddings. I know women say that without really meaning it, but I do. Weddings are too large and complicated. I’d much rather have a small gathering of friends and family and make it much more intimate. I don’t want to get married in a church but outside. I want a beautiful dress, true, but nothing elaborate that is reminiscent of Princess Di (minus the fact that she was married in the 80s, and that dress screamed the decade loud and proud). I only want the promise of someone wanting me as much as I want him and the desire to spend life together until the day we die.

I’m not eager to have children. As a point of fact, motherhood terrifies me. That may be due to the absence of a man with whom I can see myself having children and who would make a great father, but, as it stands, my view remains. Children are cute and wonderful, but I’m definitely not ready for that step in life.

This morning, I visited dreammoods.com to help with the wedding dress fiasco, and this is what I found:

Wedding Dress: To wear a wedding dress in your dream, indicates that you are evaluating and assessing your personal relationship.

What personal relationship? The one that I have with myself? In that case, here’s what the same website says about that:

To dream that you are planning your own wedding to someone you never met, is a metaphor symbolizing the union of your masculine and feminine side. It represents a transitional phase where you are seeking some sort of balance between your aggressive side and emotional side. Two previously conflicting aspects are merging together as one.

You know, that could make sense if it weren’t somewhat absurd. Is there a rift inside of me that separates my masculine and feminine side? Is this dream symbolic of the union of those sides, therein eliminating my fear of patriarchy and forced motherhood, of loneliness and the absence of unconditional love? Is this dream telling me that my confusion about myself (the want of love but the fear of same) is about to be eliminated? Perhaps. Maybe I’m finally coming to terms with my perpetual solitude, and this dream is telling me that such a state of being is quite all right.

We’ll see.